20


 Assalamualaikum


Hi it's another birthday post, I was gonna post something cheerful but then I stumbled upon this post when I open my draft. I don't remember writing this down, but anyway, here you go. 


"Have you ever felt like a lot of things are happening so fast you couldn't even catch a breath? Like the world is revolving so fast the sun missed the chance to say hello to the moon. One day you're attending your sister's wedding and the next time you see her, she's on her second pregnancy. You just turned 16 and the next thing you know you're 20 next month.  


I have so many things going on in my head right now, my past, my present and my future all are working together to bring the demon out of me. It's really hard to be "good" when you know that you are actually everything but good. I try to understand everyone around me and all I want is for them to understand me. I know that I have a door made of ice, it would take a hundred sahara desert to melt it but still, I do have feelings. I do feel emotions. I know am too cold to cry in front of anyone in fact none of my friends ever saw or heard of me crying. But I do have tears. My real tears, yes, believe it or not I had plenty of them stored up.  


I feel like losing it everyday. I don't even know myself anymore, I want challenge but my life is very dull at the moment. I think studying is taking its toll on me. I want to go out and meet my friends and have fun. I want to have an unplanned holiday with my family. I want to just go reckless and abandon everything. I want to meet people, new faces that I have never seen before in my life. But life is never that easy, we don't all get what we want. 


I couldn't help receiving the impression that I was being cheated out of something. Like the whole universe plotted a plan to make myself misereable. Suddenly I can't breathe, I can't think straight, I am all over places.  I think Allah is testing my patience right now. I think Allah is reminding me that He is there for me and I just have to reach out to Him for help. 
1.25am (2nd June 2016)"


First of all, wow. When I read that post I don't remember being that depress lol. Maybe I was just exaggerating or maybe I was sad at that time but it's weird to read that post, I feel like it's not me. 


Anyway this is my second birthday in the Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah my favourite day in my favourite month yay. But sadly this raya I couldn't go back home because I still have finals at fifth raya, I'm currently staying with my friend in Perlis. MasyaAllah her family is so nice, they probably own like 20 cats in this house. After reading that gloomy post, I wrote that wanted to meet new faces and here I am, meeting new people, in a place I've never been in, having an unplanned holiday. Maybe Allah did listen to my prayer that night :') 


Happy 3rd July Farrah Hanis, Happy 20th birthday. I love you so much (and no, saying I love you to yourself is not weird at all)


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